A horse a horse

You plunk down $10 for a movie you’ve been dying to see, only to spend the next two hours curled up in agony because one or more actors are sadistically butchering their accents.  Infuriating business.  I think that accent coaches should be listed high up in a movie’s credits, so the fans know whose house to burn down, once the lights come up.  Here’s a list of what I believe are some of the worst movie accents in recent memory:

1.  Connie Nielsen in Basic: Born in Denmark, fluent in Italian; tackles a Southern accent.  Yikes. 

2.  Kristin Scott Thomas in Random Hearts: The "English Rose" plays a Congresswoman from a New England state.  Uh huh.  Who casts these movies?

3.  Rachel Weisz in Runaway Jury: An American accent… I think.  Sigh.  Poor vowels.

4.  Liam Neeson in Kinsey: Again with the nasality.  I’m starting to get a complex.  Do we really sound like this?

5.  Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves: Like shooting fish in a barrel.

6.  Kristin Scott Thomas in The Horse Whisperer: KST strikes again.  She’s ENGLISH, dammit, ENGLISH!

7.  Emma Thompson in Primary Colors: My hero Emma almost pulls it off, but falters in the more emotional scenes.

8.  Jeremy Irons in Die Hard: With a Vengeance: Don’t combine a creepy Geman accent with a lisp and nursery rhymes.  Ever.

9.  Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black: I went back and forth on this one, but finally decided that, yes, stupid is an accent.

10.  Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing: It’s official–I’m obsessed.  I still chewed through a throw cushion when she said "I think that’s earned him a drink."

Honorable mentions:

Rachel Weisz in Constantine, Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons, Anthony Hopkins in Bram Stoker’s Dracula AND The Mask of Zorro, Brad Pitt in Seven Days in Tibet AND The Devil’s Own, Tom Cruise in Far and Away, Richard Gere in Sommersby AND The Jackal, Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, Gwyneth Paltrow in Duets, and Rosanna Arquette in The Whole Nine Yards.

Why Even Try award winners:

Chow Yun Fat and Jurgen Prochnow in their English language movies and Jean Claude Van Damme in everything he’s ever done.

Have a favorite?  Let me know!  Post a comment!  Please!

Last night, I helped an old friend celebrate the end of bachelorhood at Sammy’s Roumanian, a beloved Eastern European steakhouse at Chrystie and Delancey.  If you go to Sammy’s seeking to nose a wine glass or contemplate a subtle interplay of flavors, textures, and colors, you might feel a tad bit out of place.  Sammy’s is for eaters: those for whom "cut, chew, swallow, repeat" is the mantra of choice.  Our group started off with latkes (potato pancakes) and applesauce, fried kerplach (dumplings), karnatzlack (garlicky sausage) and stuffed cabbage–all were delicious.  My favorite appetizer was the schmaltz (liquid chicken fat), which we sopped up greedily with the endless quantities of fresh rye bread.  Most of us ordered "medium" Roumanian tenderloin steaks, which tended to be about a foot long, and actually hung over the edges of the plate.  These greasy, garlicky, delectable strips of beef were enough to put even this committed carnivore into short-term protein shock.  To aid digestion, a creaky old DJ (Sammy himself?), spun a strange mix of Frank Sinatra and traditional Jewish songs (Hava Nagila, anyone?).  At one point in the evening, about a dozen guests from one of the other tables started dancing the horah–I resisted several attempts to get me to join in.  The waiters are a swell bunch of extremely hairy guys who will not hesitate to ride you if you seem timid about your order.  Needless to say, I was in heaven from the first bite.

Campbell Scott is one of the gods of independent cinema.  Perhaps he’s more akin to a ghost–one of those great actors that can float through a movie virtually unnoticed.  Audiences tend to miss Scott onscreen because of the way he commits to the part and never strays from the tone and vision of the film (unlike many of his self-serving, screen-hogging peers).  I admire him so much that I forgive him for his role in Dying Young.  Just 44 years old, it’s a wonder that his talent, cheekbones, and ice-blue eyes haven’t made him a big Hollywood star–I’m praying daily that this never happens. 

My favorite Campbell Scott movies:

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1994): Reanimates Robert Benchley; sublime timing

Big Night (1996): Scott co-directed this outstanding film with Stanley Tucci

The Spanish Prisoner (1997): Plays a heroic patsy (sounds impossible, right?)

Rodger Dodger (2002): Avuncular bliss

On Saturday, I went with a friend to see Akira Kurosawa’s Ikiru (1952) at the Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, Queens.  This was my first visit to MMI, and I quickly fell in love with the exhibits in the museum space, covering everything from matte painting, to video games, to stereoscopes; and, of course, its clean and understated screening room.  Ikiru is a long (2.5 hrs), moving, and layered movie about a dying bureaucrat who finds the meaning of his life in his final days.  The audience was enraptured — everyone except for the fellow who exited the theater midway through the screening, blasting out a klaxon of a fart.  Probably a critic.  The experience was very satisfying, and I know I’ll be back soon.

If you go to MMI, be sure to visit CUP Diner and Bar, across the street.  Hip yet inexpensive, with a wide-ranging menu.  Extremely yummy waitstaff.   

The following movies are very bad movies indeed.  However, they can seem quite entertaining if you are running a low-grade fever.  In no particular order (I mean, who am I kidding?):

1.  The Big Hit (1998) — Three reasons you should see this movie: Lou… Diamond… Phillips.  Honorable mention: Avery Brooks.

2.  Howard the Duck (1986) — The Duck rules!  See him get his interspecies on with 80s it-girl Lea Thompson.

3.  3000 Miles to Graceland (2001) — Kevin Costner as nihilistic Elvis impersonating killer.  Also stars a slatternly Courtney Cox.

4.  Battlefield Earth (2001) — Scientology must have taken a hit to their recruitment after this movie came out.  Barry Pepper looks like a rodent.

5.  Freddy Got Fingered (2001) — Forget Tom Green, keep your eyes on the incredible Rip Torn (greatest actor name ever!).

6.  From Justin to Kelly (2003) — Spring Break romance fantasy that revolves around the director’s creative attempts to keep anyone and everyone from looking at Kelly Clarkson’s backside.

7.  The Road to Wellville (1994) — Period costumes, poop jokes, gratuitous nudity, and lots of deliciously bad acting.  Anthony Hopkins doing comedy!

8.  Serendipity (2001) — Third Kate Beckinsale movie I’ve mentioned in this blog (I must be obsessed).  See this movie because it proves once and for all that John Corbett is the most annoying actor of all time.

9.  Biker Boyz (2003) — Modern day biker club culture on display.  I don’t get it.  Lots of wheelies, illegal racing, and chest-thumping.  It was fun seeing Eriq LaSalle get taken out by a flying motorcycle, though.

10.  The Core (2003) — The best of the disaster movies.  Team of adventurers in an unapologetically phallic ship travel to the center of the earth to restart the core and encounter wonders along the way.  Aaron Eckhart has a narrow head.    

Movies on the brain tonight.  Here’s a list of recent movies that made small splashes at the box office, but great big tsunamis in my heart.  Yes, I really did just write that.  In no particular order:

1.  Equilibrium (2002) — A future society that has outlawed emotion, a priesthood that shoots first and asks questions later, Christian Bale holding a puppy… What’s not to love?

2.  Shooting Fish (1997) — Offbeat romantic comedy about a pair of grifters with a dream.  Plus, Kate Beckinsale with a buzz cut and a startlingly unattractive Stuart Townsend.

3.  Rodger Dodger (2002) — Witty dialogue returns!  My favorite Campbell Scott performance to date.  With Elizabeth Berkeley AND Jennifer Beals.

4.  Exotica (1994) — Devastates me (Atom Egoyan’s films have this effect on me).  Pain crafts the characters in beautiful ways.  Bruce Greenwood: wow.

5.  Cold Comfort Farm (1995) — More Kate Beckinsale: I must be obsessed.  "I saw something in the woodshed!"  Other memorable lines.

6.  Sexy Beast (2000) — Pop a valium before you watch this movie, or you’ll squirm right off your couch.  Elemental Ben Kingsley and a stone-cold Ian McShane.

7.  eXistenZ (1999) — The most fun of the spate of reality-bending sci-fi thrillers that came out around this time.  Violent, grotesque, and plausible.

8.  Wind (1992) — Matthew Modine, playing the role he was born to play.  Gorgeous cinematography.  Cliff Robertson: acting or not?  You decide.

9.  Swimming with Sharks (1994) — Vicious comedy about Hollywood politics.  See this just to be able to link Kevin Spacey and Frank Whaley the next time you play the Kevin Bacon game.

10.  Bartleby (2001) — Surprisingly good film adaptation of Melville’s short story. Crispin Glover IS Bartleby.  Walk outside in the sunshine after watching this film.

First, an Oscar Report: Oscar is lying on a sunlit patch of carpet, licking himself.  He is inordinately fond of licking himself.  He has noticed me looking at him and decides he does not care for my impertinence.  His mocha ripple ribcage swells with rage.  His fiery cat eyes narrow to a point.  Gazes locked, we hold the moment for an eternity.  He relents, stalks off without a sound.  Humans get to keep the planet for another day. 

I miss Whit Stillman.  His preppie/yuppie trilogy — Metropolitan, Barcelona, and The Last Days of Disco – concluded in 1998 and he hasn’t released a studio film since.  Stillman’s movies manage to be witty but not empty, dialogue-rich but not ponderous, nostalgic but not sentimental.  If you’re weary of movies that turn on special effects, staid sitcom set pieces, or morose naturalism, bring Whit into your life.      

Still smarting from losing my Oscar pool.  Thankfully, the weeping has subsided.  What happened?  Too many dark horse picks, I think. (Clive Owen?  What was I thinking?)  Also, got onboard the cynical express, thinking that the Academy was going to reward Martin Scorsese for his body of work rather than the merits of The Aviator.  Aviator was a thrilling ride, but it definitely lacked something … heart/depth/soul?  Maybe next year, Marty.

Caught Richard III (1995) on cable yesterday.  Without a doubt, it is one of the five best film versions of a Shakespeare play ever made.  Ian Mckellen inhabits the title role with verve and panache.  His Richard is smarmy as they come, yet oddly lovable.  The cast includes many current and future Sirs and Dames: Jim Broadbent, Nigel Hawthorne, Kristin Scott Thomas, and Maggie Smith.  Unfortunately, these luminaries must share screentime with Annette Bening and Robert Downey Jr., blundering bloody Americans.  I think that some of the Nazi allusions are a bit too bald, but overall Director Loncraine and co-writer Mckellen make smart, innovative choices.  See it!   

This is my blog.  There are many like it, but this one is mine.  Don’t expect too much sincerity here, at least until I get more comfortable with the medium.  Do expect movie reviews, reports on the movements of my cat, and much more.