Fatherly Wisdom
My son arrives in four short months, so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the lessons I’ve learned during my 32 trips around the sun, lessons that might help him embrace the sweetness of life and avoid some hard mistakes. I’m no Buddha in the wisdom department, but I’ve managed to pick up a thing or two. So kiddo, before I lose these pearls in a haze of crib building and bottle warming, here, for the record, is everything you need to know:
Shoes: Only buy shoes if you can run for your life in them.
The Elderly: Avoid old people whose jaws are constantly moving. It’s a well known fact that they’re chewing on the fingers of little children.
Friends: Good friends are like kidney stones, very hard to let go.
Procrastination: Everything you put off until later turns into cancer. Get cracking.
Cats: No cat ever did an honest day’s work. Learn from the cat, my son.
Religion: Anyone who asks you to sacrifice your dignity, money, or time for a mysterious force that can’t be empirically verified deserves a swift kick in the genitals.
Globalization and Redemption: If you ever find yourself deep in a hole, keep digging. Eventually, the Chinese will bail you out.
